Four years ago, at my first youth camp, I wholeheartedly accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Not too long after, I went through the waters of baptism to publicly declare my faith to my church's congregation. I became more involved in my church's youth ministries through the worship and creatives ministries. I've even begun serving at church's youth camps as part of the team working on documentation and activities. For the most part, my walk with Christ has been great. But since accepting Him into my life, I always find myself asking whether or not I actually love Him?
My love for Jesus is the reason why I was able to accept him into my life, right? I understood and acknowledged what He did for me and so my genuine response was to love Him. If I can truthfully say right now that four years ago, I wholeheartedly accepted Jesus into my life, why am I struggling to love Jesus especially on the hard days? Other people can do it, of course with their own set of struggles, so why can't I do it without doubting that love for Him?
I find myself at my wits ends figuring out how I can be on fire for Jesus on some days, and yet struggle to love him on others. Several days I've felt unworthy of calling to Him or lifting up my praises even when there was much to praise Him for because I was unsure of the authenticity of my love for Him. But God provides an answer to our doubts. When uncertainty clouds our judgement, He speaks to our hardened hearts and graces us with wisdom.
What I've learned is that loving Jesus on the hard days is difficult because maybe, my perspective on love is transactional. That if I accept Him into my life, then I will be saved from my sins. That I can do something to save myself from my sins. Growing up in a Christian community, I heard this kind of mindset on salvation being taught all around. While it might be Biblical to some extent, this simplified Gospel failed to focus on the true subject of love and salvation: Jesus. Somehow, the focus is instead placed on us -- on how we can do something to save ourselves from the inevitable eternal death our sins have brought upon us.
This perspective on love and Jesus has bloated my faith so much so that when trials come and I call to Him, my expectations are of immediate deliverance. So when things don't go as expected -- when things don't go my way -- loving Jesus seems like an afterthought.
But love is not transactional; Love is unconditional. Love has nothing to do with us or what we can or have done. We are only recipients of this love. Love has always been about Jesus, and our love for Him should be a response to what He has already done.
When days are hard, loving Jesus is still the hardest thing to do. It is a constant struggle of the heart. But the cross is a constant reminder of hope and grace -- of Jesus' love. That before I even knew Him, He died for me. That regardless of whether or not I accepted Him into my life, He already thought of me. That even when the hardest thing to do is to love Him, there is victory that can already be claimed.
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